Bitter Sweet Life

L0Ve

2012-02-10T17:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it’s hard to accept that some things are just not meant to be. No matter how hard we try to keep it together we know inside our heart that it is never going to be as what we wanted. I would not say that this is the first time this ever happened to me, in my past relationships I also faced the same predicament. And I am hoping somehow I learned from it.

I would have to say that life is short. People should just have the courage to follow their heart and decide what’s best for them. I know for a fact that everything shall pass and we deserve to be with someone who will truly value as a person. My journey had been interesting, I would say total change of belief from 0 to 100. Although I would wanna believe that I still believe in marriage at this point probably I don’t. The decision to be together still lies between the conviction and dedication of two people. Fighting for the same reason all the time is energy consuming. Hoping and believing that your other half will never let you go is just so stressful. Normal relationships are bound to cherish and support one another. It should bring security for the future and comfort for the present. My heart is broken knowing that I still haven’t found the one for me. Does he ever exist? I don’t even know anymore.

I wanted to share a quote from bible that I knew even when I was a kid. It defines the pure essence of love:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Distractions

2012-01-26T15:07:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend and he said he deleted his facebook account since he spent so much time on it. For him it was an unnecessary distraction that deters him from his focus.
Of course, my initial reaction is I said he was funny.

But now that I am really thinking about it, I would have to say that I admire him for doing that. Sometimes we get caught up with little things in our life in which we just waste our time with. Might as well totally “delete” them and have your energy for things that will help you improve and be productive. In a way, I practice the same principle too although sometimes I choose to be swerved in undisclosed paths, lol. But I believe him though, out of sight=out of mind. That’s the easiest to get back on track and not keep unimportant things or people around you.

If you are focused take all the necessary things to make sure you would stay aligned on the trail you have chosen.

Shopalism

2012-01-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

Don’t buy what you don’t need. We all have the tendency to live extravagantly and splurge on things we thought we wanted. It can be an expensive camera, overpriced shoes, designer bag, branded clothing. We all at one point—SPLURGE.

I was looking at my closet and I can find hundred stuffs that I bought that I am not even using. The thrill of going to outlets and stores are easier rather than going thru piles of unused merchandise. I am guilty of overbuying and wasting my money over these material things. If I look at what I have closely I bet it is more than what I need.

Oh well, it is never too late to change, right? I will try to spend my money on something worthwhile. Use it for travel or just simply save it. These are some tips I gathered online on ways to stay away from costly shopping spending spree:

1.) Carry around cash. It can be easy to overspend when you’re not seeing the full extent of your expenses. When you carry around cash, your payment is tangible.

2.) Stay away from online stores. If you are bored and found yourself looking at merchandise online. Consciously, click the “x” button and read something else. Shopping online is just a bad habit: easy access + convenience.

3.) Look forward to something else (aside from shopping!). When you’re drying yourself out the tendency is to look forward to the next shopping binge. If you find yourself doing this, stop and try to find something else to look forward to.

4.) Stay out of the mall. There are many other things you can do for fun aside from going to the mall. When you go there, it’s inevitable that you’ll spend money.

5.) Stay out of DISCOUNT signs. If you need to buy something important just get it, don’t go to discounted area and for sure you will end up getting something you don’t need at all.

Cute Lunch

2012-01-10T16:24:00.001-08:00

My lunch yesterday: Baby Natalie @ 5 months old :)

Travel Ticker

2012-01-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to travel. I think it is exciting to be in a different place and see how other people live. I've travelled a few for my work last year and some for fun. I have yet to see Hawaii and Europe hopefully this year. Travelling per se is fun already but what add spice to the experience are the sweet things you can remember of it: who were you with, the places you 've visited and the memories that has been created of it.

I'm a bit sentimental and always associate stuff with something/someone or a memory. Bonding makes the relationship sparkles. Last December, I was in Reno to watch Boyz to Men concert. It was awesome!!! They were classics. Loved every minute of it. :) I was in Vegas October of 2011, my first time in the Sin City. I was amazed with the whole Vegas thing & we watched the Jabbawockeez. Another entertaining performance. For my bday last year, the whole family went to Pismo Beach in Central California. Stayed there 3 days, couldn't be happier.

I am wanting to see more of the world for 2012 but I am hoping to have someone who wants to see it with me too. :)

In Search

2012-01-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

What Are You Looking For?
Seems like an easy question, but it’s not. Especially when you are in a current status where you feel lost and in a limbo.

How long will you be in this state? No one knows. You just have to go on everyday and hope that someday you will find the answer to the dreaded question.
Emotional shut down- that’s where I am now.
Feel loved? Yes-but it still feels empty. Doesn’t matter the quantity of kisses & hugs I
receive it still feels point blank.
Why? Cause I’ve been hurt and the hope for
betterment of things vanished.
Do I need attention? Maybe- I think I do but the
sad part is it doesn’t fill the void. It’s just a temporary solution for what I am looking for. It is difficult to wake up and face each day with doubt and uncertainty of the only thing that makes me feel assured.
My solution? Self-appreciation. Make myself happy and do things that will make me feel good about myself until I figure it out.
Hugs & Kisses? Yes, I need it but I need it to come from someone who can promise
me to be there for a long term otherwise it would not really matter.

2012

2011-12-27T21:36:00.000-08:00

Smile.

I am excited for 2012. I always like new beginnings—it is a promise of better things ahead. For sure it will be another year of roller coaster of emotions and fun experiences. I plan to make myself a priority for 2012. I think sometimes I give too much that I neglect myself. I think for 2012 I will put value more on myself and give what it is due. I always say that happiness should be self confined but how easily I forget what I preach. I don’t need someone to re-assure me that I am a good person. I just need myself to reassure myself that alone or not I am good to go.

Hugs for me.

For 2012 I will learn to love myself more. I tend to find myself for 2012, have peace of mind and self-assurance. Cherish the things I like. Surround myself with people who appreciates me. Work on things that gives me purpose. :)

Decision Making

2011-12-15T17:11:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to make a decision? Choosing between options has always been a dilemma for anyone. People just cant make up their mind provided all the choices they are given. But one way or another we still have to decide-- most of it are emotionally driven, some are fun driven, some are stability driven. Although I always say that if I think twice about something it means I dont really want it that badly. Some thoughts can be right away put out in the trash bin with no effort needed while other ideas still hover and slowly get the best of me.

So a challenge came out of it: if I dont want it why does it still linger in my mind??? Why do I always end up re-considering it? Why does it became a constant thought that I re-visit once in a while?

There's no way to handle it but to either DO IT or NOT DO IT. Life is an experiment. Life should be fun. We have to choose one thing over the other and through it we learn slowly about ourself and release the thought of pondering to what might have been. If it's not great as what we hoped for then no regrets.I believe we only get confused if there's an enormous part of us that wants it. I would not say that life is a hit or miss..i think it is more of taking chances. Having the courage to do what your gut tells you--do as you pleases..let the flow take you to wherever.. =)

It's Passion Not Drama

2011-12-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

People who really knows me definitely would not describe me as a drama queen. My personality is far off from description. I seem not to care and keep emotions out of the way. I try to play it cool and not overreact to situations. But if you are reading this blog you might think i am the ultimate emo blogger you have ever encountered. (oooh..cmon don't nod your head..lmao)

I keep everything inside. That's why I love blogging cause this is my way to keep in touch with my inner self who bears deep down emotions that I have that I tend to put aside. I like blogging because i can be a "drama queen" without the actual hassle of tears and being overly dramatic to the point annoying someone in real life.

But i dont think I can consider myself a drama queen at all..i dont mumble and rant over unimportant stuff. I would say that I am more of a passionate person who gives her all to something or someone. So when all things fail I'm the one left behind with a deep scar inside my heart. I like feeling the "feeling"--does it even make any sense!?! Oh well, it doesn't matter: i call it passion and not drama. =)

Who I Wanna Be:

2011-12-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

I want to be the one who brightens up your day

I want to be someone to make you smile

I want to be your constant thought for the day

I want to give you the security that you need

I want to be the love of your life

I want to fill the void that you feel

I want to be there if you need help

I want to listen on your complains

I want to hug you in your despair

I want to be there to share your glory

I want to give the support that you need

I want to hold your hand when you’re in doubt

I want to be your inspiration

I want to give you a reason to dream

I want to give your happiness

I want to stand by you through thick & thin

I want to be your bestfriend

I want to help you through the rain

I want to make your heart beat fast

I want to bring out the best in you

I want to share my life with you..

Endless Possibilities

2011-12-01T17:49:00.001-08:00

I had always been a happy person or at least I try to be. I just feel that life is too short to waste for mourning or grieving for a long time..or probably that is my defense mechanism-- I am not sure either way.

In general, I see everyday as a new day--new people, new experiences, new stories, new connections & new moments. It is just but exciting to live everyday and veer off from our old boring routine. That’s probably why I like travelling, exploring and doing new stuff I haven’t done before. Change is good. It makes me wonder what is ahead and all the good things that can happen in the future.

When I was younger I used to be idealistic, things can only be either black or white and gray is non-existent. But as I get more mature year every year my mind is slowly embracing thoughts that I would have not even entertained when I was in 20s. I would like to call it maturity or maybe stupidity-haha—I don’t even know!

What I am sure of out of all these uncertainties is that as I spend more time with myself I learn to identify who I am and what will make me happy. I know now that you cannot live life by rules.. sometimes you should just trust the flow and see where it’s going to lead you. It is nicer to be more open and get all the life moments that you can grab. We just have to learn everyday and love ourselves unconditionally. Possibilities are endless you just have to have faith in love, life and in God.

WIIFM

2011-11-29T22:19:00.000-08:00

WIIFM: Whats in it for me? We are used to asking this question all the time before doing something for someone. Is it true that this is the most driving force for action? Since when did humans became so selfish..what happened to just being genuine and do something out of your heart?

When I get into a relationship I give it all..101%. I try to comprehend things at my utmost capacity and source all the benefit of the doubt I can give one person. Sounds good right? But it is not. Sometimes we have to ask this question: WIIFM.

If you think it is not worth it anymore..be it related to relatioship, sacrifice or feeling or anyting..ask the question: WIIFM? --- We should not let other people abuse us. The world is not fair and it is our responsibility to ourselves to watch our back. Last sunday, this famous actress in Manila was pouring her heart out in a national television. How she was so devastated and frustrated of her break-up from another popular actor. Despite the crying and sadness she uttered: she's the only person to blame for her situation. No one else is responsible because she let it happen to herself.

Most of the time I feel the same. We can say it is not our fault but if you look at it deeply---IT IS. A friend reminded me a very basic thing in life: do not settle. He said if you settle then that's the end of what you like. There is some truth in it. We should know our worth as a person.. we deserve to be treated fairly, loved sincerely and be joyous in every possible way we can. If you are in the road of loneliness..confusion..despair..just ask yourself: What's in it for you? What are you gonna gain out of this experience? Will this cause you good or harm? If the answers doesn't make any sense for you then it is time to wipe the tears and move forward.

Good Vibes

2011-11-29T15:45:00.000-08:00

Past month has been a turmoil. But I am sending positive vibes for anyone who needs it. If you are in the verge of crying or amid the chaos, ask yourself why you are still alive. There are countless reasons to be happy. Let me share some things that helped me get by:

Life is short do not waste it.
Endings come with beginnings.
Lost love is replaced by new love.
Spend a day with a friend.
Do something nice to your family.
Treat yourself to a spa or salon.
Devote time to your work.
Help others.
Open your heart to all possibilities.
Try new things.
Don’t look back just look forward.
Things can only get better from today.
Say a prayer.
Give and get a hug.
Stop thinking just enjoy.
Let go of the hurt and feel with joy.

Plans..plans.. plans...

2011-03-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone! =) I have been generally happy these past few weeks. I am thrilled for the upcoming plans.. to start with my brother is gonna get married on May 27 with my HS classmate.

Quite a story.. they met last year in New york when we had a vacation and now she's gonna move here soon in California. Yey!! Along with that.. we are planning and hoping that my other brother in Manila can attend and be with us in that special moment. We've been busy preparing their documents and preparing for the wedding as well.

On the other hand there are plans for me to go back to school..yes.. you heard it right!!
Im gonna go back to school.. i already met with the Counselor yesterday and will be needing to workout few more things and hopefully get my classes for the the Spring. =) These changes are just psyching me up and motivating me in a very good way...

This year I will make sure to visit Hawaii for the first time. I might do it in May but that's too soon and may interfere with plans for the wedding..but if it doesn't work out that month I will find another time. But it is in my bucket list and will soon be crossed out..

Friday Lunch

2011-02-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

Spend my time today with a very good friend. Friends never fail to brighten the road ahead of us..they make us happy and feel appreciated for the moment. We had a very good late lunch at Cheesecake Factory =) It was Brian's bday last wednesday so we celebrated it today over lunch. It was nice talking and being with someone who has a totally different world than mine. He reminded how simple things can bring a person joy. I like being around him,,he makes me feel secured. =)

Thanks B ..happy birthday!!

2011

2011-02-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

This is my 2nd attempt to write my first blog for 2011! I find it hard to write about something and it definitely feels weird. =( But I like blogging though coz it gives me a way to voice out and be honest with myself and my feelings.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about the thngs that transpired for the last 6 months in our lives. It's so easy to sum it up in 5-10mins of talk but in the bigger scope of life time hasnt really healed anything yet. All the feelings were just kept inside me and are not forgotten. I can live day by day being happy with simple things but somewhere down the line a part of me still is sad and is hurting. I find it ironic how people can make fun of the saddest situation in their lives. Maybe we all get tired of crying over certain issues and we permit things to be as it is. But in the middle of my storytelling my friend said.."you dont deserve that". I tried holding it back but to actually hear someone say that I deserve better than what I am getting hurts 10x more. That moment I realized that I am handling every single infraction very well by trying for things to be alright but that single moment I dont wanna be okay anymore. So, I burst into tears.

I was even surprised cos i thought my tears were all dried up. They werent ..they were just put on hold. Piling up ready to flood and run down into my face. I cried and it felt better knowing that someone knew exactly how I feel. There's a long way to go..and we are just even barely starting. I think my heart is so beat up and my mind has been in the level where it doesnt wanna think anymore and let things to happen as it happen. I even find it funny to write about this now since things are going very well as of now. But i think feelings cannot just be set aside and covered up by a recent happy feeling. Bad feelings leave a deep mark in our being and only time would dictate if we are feeling any better already.

As i write this I am teary eyed.. but i definitely feel more okay that knowing somebody out there cares for me and what Im going through. =)

Temporary Happiness

2010-10-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanna do something that is not right but you know will give you something that you need for that moment? It can be a source of some satisfaction, or a little way to get even, can be some sort of joy or a bit of self fulfillment. I've been in this scenario a couple of times..mostly I get flustered & undecided. Should I do it or not?

My answer is: I WILL DO IT! If I have MORE THAN ENOUGH reasons to do it. I will do it for myself. To redeem myself and make my life bounce back. Although, knowing the fact that whatever it is that I am planning wont last long the long term effect of it will make me realize who I am and what I am as a person. I'm no superwoman & I can only take so many "punches" and "kicks" til my human body gives up. I get bruised and drained emotionally & one thing for sure it is tiring. You come to a point..one morning..one simple thing can ignite the awakening of your senses and then you finally realize that what you are doing for someone is not worth it. This morning it just hit me----BOOM!

My heart fell. I lost it. Too much of everything destroys the flicker of hope for things to get better soon. My heart literally shut down and let my brain take over and decide for myself. My heart knows she did all she can do..she made extra large room for errors & dreamed that love is sufficient to make things right and keep the fire in place. But my Heart was wrong. :(

If I am a boxer..im totally Knocked out already but my opponent still doesn't stop hitting me. All fighters has their limit and there's a time to just throw the white towel and surrender, save a piece of yourself and begin a new journey not as a loser but as somebody stronger who took all the beating but was able to manage to get up & face what's ahead.

:)

Being Married

2010-10-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

I always knew I wanted to get married though I never knew when ..i didn't know 2010 will be the year for me to tie the knot. Being married is a good thing me since I can only last the chasing, hunting & dating maybe 3-4 months at the most after that it gets tiring. I like being married coz I like the commitment and dedication that comes along with it. You can't easily say "I am done" and move on to the other guy. I always wanted something stable and something constant.

But marriage can only bind you so much, I still believe that it doesn't guarantee you anything. It takes 2 people to make it work, keep it and fight for it. There will be ups and downs & what's important is how you take it and resolve it. I love my husband so much.. and though we may have some trials along the way that doesnt stop me to say "i give up". I wont and I promise myself to keep trying hard and harder. =)

I love my husband for all that he is.

Big apple

2010-10-07T13:29:00.000-07:00

Oct 22 - 26 ,2010

My first time in the East coast.. 2 weeks to go!! =)

T.R.U.S.T.

2010-10-04T10:27:00.001-07:00

TRUST is one of the vital thing in a relationship. Once it's broken for sure everything will crumble. I am not sure how to live day by day with doubt,anger and uncertainty in your heart but I guess if you love someone you are always open to give things a second chance. Thoughts never stop to linger in my head.. thoughts about the past,present and the future. It is but difficult to forgive and forget all things that happened. I don't scream, I don't cry, I don't curse.. but it doesn't mean I am not mad. Every bit of myself is upset, disappointed..and in rage BUT I CHOOSE to be a better person and not let all those ill feelings eat me alive.

I am strong. I am realistic and I am rational. I will try my best to deal with the problem and take action plans on it. If it works, great! If it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be anyway. To ask the question WHY is irrelevant. The harm has been done anyway..whatever the reason is doesnt matter anymore.

I had 5 relationships in the past and my 2nd one was the one whose a lil bit of a playboy. After I was done at him I told myself I will never ever get that kind of guy again ever in my life. I already know their pattern,behavior and their life's routine and for sure one thing I am certain about is nothing will change. After that relationship I made a conscious decision not to date a guy in the same class. It was my 1st pre-requisite. But you see life is so ironic!! Who knew..right? I didnt have a clue!!! Hahahaha..

O well..we are already here down this road.. no turning back. I might as well cross it and head to the finish line as soon as possible and not waste so much time. In my perfect world, I have a scenario of how I wanna live my life. Some aspects can be twisted but some cannot. I think sticking with someone who will give you CONSTANT trouble and worry is not worth it. We only live once and to sacrifice the quality of life because of some loser is definitely a big no no! To put up with anyone's mess is not our responsibility.. we have to make a decision which way we want to go. Is it UP or DOWN? that's something within our control.

I guess what Im heading to is that.. we can only give a little leeway for everything.If things works out..then that's a good news if it wont then there's nothing to lose. We all stride in this life smoothly and move on from one chapter to another just like that. :)

SEPTEMBER

2010-09-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

August was a hectic month but I think SEPTEMBER will be an adventurous and exciting month. I am going home to MMAAANNNIILLLAAA!!! =) Yey!!!

I am so eager to show around J,experience Boracay..see baby Rhiana..connect with my friends..and etcetera. I dont know how am I gonna squeeze all the things running in my mind to fit a 18 day stay in my hometown. I haven't figured it out yet..=)

OMG, I couldn't believe how fast things turned out to be.. Aug 30, 2008 was the day I arrived here in US click HERE for the blog entry I did. Now it has been 2 years and I am just thankful to the Lord for all the challenges He gave me that made me stronger and all the blessings HE showered me to make me remember that He is just there watching over me.

Thank you Lord for...

1.) letting me find my husband, Jason
2.) making me close with my family again
3.) giving me opportunities to make new friends and meet wonderful people
4.) giving us Ashton & Coco
5.) opening up my eyes for a bigger world out here
6.) making me learn new things everyday
7.) helping me define the kind of person I wanna be
8.) letting me grow and giving me courage to try new things
10.) bringing me here in US
11.) giving me a good heart & i promise to strive better to make it stronger
12.) making me trust in YOU

I am everyday thankful for everything that I have.

We are all blessed and loved no matter where or who we are..
Count your blessings and feel happy today!! Huggssss =)

first night I arrived in US and family was there to give me a big welcome hug

8th Month of 2010

2010-08-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

Wow..it's AUGUST already!! Time flies sooo fasttt!!! =)

To start the month in a good note we received some good news too. Last tuesday, the mister decided to throw a barbeque dinner for family & close friends. It was a fun night and it just proves again that happiness & success is sweeter if shared with your loved ones.

thanks beth & mae for taking time to have dinner with us..

J was the one who cooked everything..thanks boo!

J will be gone from today til Monday to visit his friend all the way to Canby,CA .. =(

Inception Fever.. ;)

2010-07-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

Last night boo decided to sleep at his mom's house to do some stuff there. So that means more alone time for me to do whatever. I find it ridiculous but the time apart kinda helps the relationship. I am a person who needs her own space and my moment to take care and go back on my little ways. Mister is the same way too.

I watched a movie, munched on my doritos paired with my ice cold coke. I fell asleep around 2 am.. I had crazy dreams. People from my past just showed up in my dreams , it was going so good that I didn't even wanna stop dreaming. I was dreaming about salsa dancing, nate, tony and etcetera.. I just wanna go on & on and see where it would lead to. Hahahaha.. now I even feel silly talking about it. But when I was on it,, i would wake up but would force my self to go back in a deep slumber to see what's gonna happen next. I couldn't reiterate more how real everything seems to be. =)

The next thing I know it's almost 9am and I need to get up. The first thing that entered in my mind when I opened my eyes.. " ohh , it's all in my subconscious" (pertaining to my dream). Things that I saw in my dream are all my projections.. I may not talk about it out loud but it stayed in mind. Then it dawned on me that I just watched the movie Inception that's why I feel more empathy and more attachment to my dream. lol =)

But dreams are sometimes good.. it gives you a different world of possibilities. You either wake up feeling happy or feeling sad about everything. But they say dreams are also manifestations..dreams also gives you access to other people or situations you would like to be into or you were into before. No matter how close they feel being to reality it is STILL and will remain a dream. It'll last only up to the time you would hear your alarm clock beeping or your window sunlight dodging you to wake up. :)

If you wanna take it further here's a link for you to analyze and interpret you dreams: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/

Summer Heat!!!

2010-07-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

Me and J tries to take advantage of the summer, he said all his life every summer he would try to work hard since it's the peak season for their business. But he said, this year he wants to enjoy it and relax at little bit. So we try to come up with activities, go to festivals, plans outdoor adventures, go to outlets and etc..

Here are some of the pics we have..

Pirate's festival at Vallejo

Menlo Park Fair

Lake Berryessa

Napa Trip

Stinson beach

Baker's beach

Good day!

2010-07-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a good and fun day for me.. I had lunch with Pau,Kc,Albert & Toffer @ Hot Pot City in Milpitas. Then I spent the afternoon with the Mister in San francisco. We just chilled and hangout at Baker's Beach then spend the day driving like tourists in the City.

One thing I realized..even though I may say I am upset w/ the mister sometimes.. at the end of the day my love for him wins me over everything.

I love you J. Thanks for being my boo boo..ur the best =)