Temporary Happiness

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanna do something that is not right but you know will give you something that you need for that moment? It can be a source of some satisfaction, or a little way to get even, can be some sort of joy or a bit of self fulfillment. I've been in this scenario a couple of times..mostly I get flustered & undecided. Should I do it or not?

My answer is: I WILL DO IT! If I have MORE THAN ENOUGH reasons to do it. I will do it for myself. To redeem myself and make my life bounce back. Although, knowing the fact that whatever it is that I am planning wont last long the long term effect of it will make me realize who I am and what I am as a person. I'm no superwoman & I can only take so many "punches" and "kicks" til my human body gives up. I get bruised and drained emotionally & one thing for sure it is tiring. You come to a point..one morning..one simple thing can ignite the awakening of your senses and then you finally realize that what you are doing for someone is not worth it. This morning it just hit me----BOOM!

My heart fell. I lost it. Too much of everything destroys the flicker of hope for things to get better soon. My heart literally shut down and let my brain take over and decide for myself. My heart knows she did all she can do..she made extra large room for errors & dreamed that love is sufficient to make things right and keep the fire in place. But my Heart was wrong. :(

If I am a boxer..im totally Knocked out already but my opponent still doesn't stop hitting me. All fighters has their limit and there's a time to just throw the white towel and surrender, save a piece of yourself and begin a new journey not as a loser but as somebody stronger who took all the beating but was able to manage to get up & face what's ahead.

:)

Being Married

I always knew I wanted to get married though I never knew when ..i didn't know 2010 will be the year for me to tie the knot. Being married is a good thing me since I can only last the chasing, hunting & dating maybe 3-4 months at the most after that it gets tiring. I like being married coz I like the commitment and dedication that comes along with it. You can't easily say "I am done" and move on to the other guy. I always wanted something stable and something constant.

But marriage can only bind you so much, I still believe that it doesn't guarantee you anything. It takes 2 people to make it work, keep it and fight for it. There will be ups and downs & what's important is how you take it and resolve it. I love my husband so much.. and though we may have some trials along the way that doesnt stop me to say "i give up". I wont and I promise myself to keep trying hard and harder. =)

I love my husband for all that he is.

Big apple

Oct 22 - 26 ,2010

My first time in the East coast.. 2 weeks to go!! =)

T.R.U.S.T.

TRUST is one of the vital thing in a relationship. Once it's broken for sure everything will crumble. I am not sure how to live day by day with doubt,anger and uncertainty in your heart but I guess if you love someone you are always open to give things a second chance. Thoughts never stop to linger in my head.. thoughts about the past,present and the future. It is but difficult to forgive and forget all things that happened. I don't scream, I don't cry, I don't curse.. but it doesn't mean I am not mad. Every bit of myself is upset, disappointed..and in rage BUT I CHOOSE to be a better person and not let all those ill feelings eat me alive.

I am strong. I am realistic and I am rational. I will try my best to deal with the problem and take action plans on it. If it works, great! If it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be anyway. To ask the question WHY is irrelevant. The harm has been done anyway..whatever the reason is doesnt matter anymore.

I had 5 relationships in the past and my 2nd one was the one whose a lil bit of a playboy. After I was done at him I told myself I will never ever get that kind of guy again ever in my life. I already know their pattern,behavior and their life's routine and for sure one thing I am certain about is nothing will change. After that relationship I made a conscious decision not to date a guy in the same class. It was my 1st pre-requisite. But you see life is so ironic!! Who knew..right? I didnt have a clue!!! Hahahaha..

O well..we are already here down this road.. no turning back. I might as well cross it and head to the finish line as soon as possible and not waste so much time. In my perfect world, I have a scenario of how I wanna live my life. Some aspects can be twisted but some cannot. I think sticking with someone who will give you CONSTANT trouble and worry is not worth it. We only live once and to sacrifice the quality of life because of some loser is definitely a big no no! To put up with anyone's mess is not our responsibility.. we have to make a decision which way we want to go. Is it UP or DOWN? that's something within our control.

I guess what Im heading to is that.. we can only give a little leeway for everything.If things works out..then that's a good news if it wont then there's nothing to lose. We all stride in this life smoothly and move on from one chapter to another just like that. :)