I had a busy week. I was in Vegas for a mini-vacay, left Saturday then went back Monday. Gosh, I enjoyed it. I needed to be in a different area and get away for a bit. Had dinner in a buffet, walked in different hotels, had great food, watched Zumanity. The show was interesting.
Wednesday night flew to San Diego for a conference and came back Thursday night. Today, we went out for a vendor visit for lunch. Pleasant experience! I feel that I’ve been hustling and my body literally aches. But anyway, back to serious stuff.. how am i? Doing great I guess. I still refused to deal with it and focus on things that I can manage. I am slowly picking up the pieces, taking my time and enjoying life as it is. Last week I drove to Marina and waited for the sun to set, it was an amazing view. Feeling the wind in my cheeks, staring in the strength of the sun, hearing the small splashes of waves it was a beautiful sight indeed. I felt the urge to cry, I can’t even tell what the tears are for. I’ve always dreamed of a stable and happy relationship, and I know it isn’t too much to ask. I need to learn to let go, and let some things free so we won’t be in bondage. I do not know what’s keeping me, is it the fear of being alone? It is the time invested? I just have so many excuses in my fuckin head, but I know in my heart what the right thing to do is. Sometimes I even question myself, who decides what is right or wrong? Is it the norm, the society, or is it a subjective opinion based on what the person is going through. My thinking is becoming twisted and twisted, I am losing value, self worth, respect and dignity. It is so sad to live like this. I know I must stand for something.
My heart is just wretched. I am hurt in the deepest sense of the word. I feel so crushed; self esteem and respect below zero. I think I am losing the person that I am and I need it back. Does love can change someone? I have millions questions but I find no answer. Now that I think about it that is probably the reason I wanted to cry in the first place. I just want to cry when I see beautiful things probably because I see myself so ugly right now.
Marina sunset view