We Cry For a Reason

I had a busy week. I was in Vegas for a mini-vacay, left Saturday then went back Monday. Gosh, I enjoyed it. I needed to be in a different area and get away for a bit. Had dinner in a buffet, walked in different hotels, had great food, watched  Zumanity. The show was interesting. 

Wednesday night flew to San Diego for a conference and came back Thursday night. Today, we went out for a vendor visit for lunch. Pleasant experience! I feel that I’ve been hustling and my body literally aches. But anyway, back to serious stuff.. how am i? Doing great I guess. I still refused to deal with it and focus on things that I can manage. I am slowly picking up the pieces, taking my time and enjoying life as it is. Last week I drove to Marina and waited for the sun to set, it was an amazing view. Feeling the wind in my cheeks, staring in the strength of the sun, hearing the small splashes of waves it was a beautiful sight indeed. I felt the urge to cry, I can’t even tell what the tears are for. I’ve always dreamed of a stable and happy relationship, and I know it isn’t too much to ask. I need to learn to let go, and let some things free so we won’t be in bondage. I do not know what’s keeping me, is it the fear of being alone? It is the time invested? I just have so many excuses in my fuckin head, but I know in my heart what the right thing to do is.  Sometimes I even question myself, who decides what is right or wrong? Is it the norm, the society, or is it a subjective opinion based on what the person is going through. My thinking is becoming twisted and twisted, I am losing value, self worth, respect and dignity. It is so sad to live like this. I know I must stand for something.

My heart is just wretched. I am hurt in the deepest sense of the word. I feel so crushed; self esteem and respect below zero. I think I am losing the person that I am and I need it back. Does love can change someone? I have millions questions but I find no answer. Now that I think about it that is probably the reason I wanted to cry in the first place. I just want to cry when I see beautiful things probably because I see myself so ugly right now.  

Marina sunset view

I Need a Hug

No words can exactly describe the effect of the current situation on me. I sometimes think that I don't feel anything..i think it's funny, dumb, painful, so raw,..i have all these mixed emotions cropping up. Late last night, I was laying down on my bed..i didnt wanna be alone. I just want to be in a company of someone.8:30pm I got up and drove.

I drove all the way and was greeted with a smile and a warm hug. That's all I needed a reassurance that everything will go alright from here. We were just sitting and laying down the couch, arms wrapped around me, my head on his chest. We were talking here and there but mostly I was just staring at the clock as it counts the seconds of that moment. I needed to be comforted. I guess there were no words for me to say, to be held was so calming. My stressed mind was put on ease for awhile. Thanks boo for being there- all this time. In a time like this a presence of someone who cares means a lot.

Numb

I am in deep melancholy to the point that I think I am numb. If this is the ending, I ask for strength and clarity. I feel sick in my stomach and I have a terrible headache, I want to take action immediately knowing that I did something for myself. Tears are waste of energy, will not solve anything. To ask why is irrelevant; maybe we are both in a limbo. Maybe we are together because there’s nobody else, maybe it’s the fear of not knowing what is ahead versus having someone with you. Maybe it was not love but pity from the start. I did not see any regret when confronted; I did not feel anything at all.

It was so empty. I don’t recognize anger from pain. I just want to move forward and leave the past behind. To hold on is not an option because I find no sense in that choice. Humans eventually adapt in the situation they are given, being alone may not that be too bad. It has been broken since year1, I don’t think it got all fixed up. Probably that is the reason for everything, this is my aha moment. I knew deep inside this day would come. True to my vision it did and I guess, it did not catch me by surprise.  Sad things happen in life and I believe it’s just a part of its charm. What happens next nobody really knows.

 
This can be for the good or for the bad. But I realized sometimes we make a decision because things do not make any sense anymore. Until I find a sense again then things will be viewed different. For now, the situation calls for an obvious path to take. No questions should be raised and events should be accepted whole heartedly. Probably, God has a bigger plan for me.

This Week

Hello! I miss writing, it had been a hectic week for me as always still I wouldn’t complaint, I like what I do. So last Wednesday, I was driving home from work the sun is still out and had my windows rolled down. I like feeling the warmth of the sun, with the wind and my car stereo banging loud, I enjoy listening to music it makes me happy. Music changes the way I feel in a certain moment, mostly they give me an uplifting feel. Anyway, back to my story.. so I was on the street car stopped it was a red light. Guess what? N popped in my window, scared the hell out of me! Hahahah..shocked and I yelled you are one crazy man!! Hahaha =) he is, damn, what the fxxk! He just got out and prolly saw me. Cute. Funny. Crazy. Nevertheless, made me smile. 

 Amina's 18th birthday dinner at Paradiso

 Coco and I after work
Feedback received: coco and I have the same hair color hahahaha

I received a rainbow in a morning greeting this week.

Looking forward for a great weekend! :)

Just One

I am literally taking a 3 minute break from my hectic day, it’s almost 6 but I am still going. Yesterday , I met up with some friends for dinner since it’s Olivia’s birthday I also met her roommate. The roommate is funny, I had a great time. These 2 girls are in their late 30s and mind you, they are both single. I just find it odd to be the one married in the crowd. They have tried online dating to not much success, I think everybody now just wants to take their time. Why do I always hear people are picky, an excuse or maybe not?  I think they just could not find a person who will love them as much as they would for them.

I am not sure why is it so complicated; if you are free, single and ready then it shouldn’t be that hard. Probably, they are just hesitant to commit knowing that there are a thousand possibilities with other people.  That is the biggest temptation and fear, being scared on settling where you can find someone better. Oh men, I never looked at it that way in my life. If I like you, then the story ends there. I will never wander what could have been with the others. That is probably the reason I am always in a committed relationship, haha. Good or bad? I think it’s good for me; I want to build memories rather than imagining them. I’d rather stick it out, be decisive and see what will happen.  I don’t need many men, I just need one and that is you.

Hook Up

I’ve wanted to write a post since I got back from Boston. The trip was okay, it was so cold and the training I attended was alright. Seeing boston for free is quiet good enough for me. Today, I will devote my time finishing off some work, I kinda lagged yesterday and felt I needed to have a little fun and relaxed. Last Tuesday I had dinner with Mae, Kalyan and Arnold sorry no pics were taken, bummer. Yesterday, I had lunch with Olivia.

Anyway, for some random reason I want to talk about hooking up. Haha, I know far off topic. But I’ve just been thinking about and have come across some articles about it. I guess for some people it works pretty okay, hooking up should be about you fulfilling your desires with no strings attached. We always expect this to come from guys but with the modern world, and women fighting for equality I believe same gender have equal demands. But how can someone possibly detached themselves and still do intimate stuff with somebody, that is mind boggling to me. Somewhere, somehow something should be there; how can you hook up and then move on until the next session!?!? Well for some people it works, how? I don’t know. But all I know is that attraction is an inevitable force that if you try to explore might be a little dangerous.  As they say, before you take the plunge make sure you are ready!Temptations might be too hard to resist. =)

Below sharing pics from my Boston trip: